Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
