Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize
