george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
