Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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