So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
