Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
