the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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