I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
