i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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