be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
