remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
