I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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