She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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