I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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