I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
