My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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