so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
