I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
