I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
