I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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