I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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