You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
