Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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