Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize