I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
