You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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