can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
