I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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