Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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