If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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