On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
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He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
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Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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