and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
