Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
