he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
