So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
