I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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