@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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