a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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