i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
