She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
