The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
