if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
