I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
