I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
