i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
