i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
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