I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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