so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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