apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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