dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
