Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
