Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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