apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
