Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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