Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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