i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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