Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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