3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
